A Word About Expectations

I've been thinking a lot about expectations lately. I really think that expectations have a greater importance than we realize. One thing that really fascinates me are those stories where you hear about some inner city school that has been turned around in some dramatic way. There have been so many variations of that story, but I think it has some basic components.

They start with a bunch of beaten-down kids that no one ever expects can do anything. Then some leader comes in with a totally different idea than these kids have ever seen. He (or she) has a true belief that these kids can accomplish anything set before them. Then with a little hard work and discipline, these kids totally kick it into gear and not only outperform their peers, they even outperform the so-called good kids.

There have been tons of movies about situations like this - Remember the Titans, Hoosiers, Lean on Me, Stand by Me, etc. No wonder, it's a very inspiring story. In some way, it's kind of the American story. A bunch of religious rejects come over here in a boat, and 100 or so years later, we're the most prosperous nation in the world.

In this model, I think the expectations piece, is the most important part of the puzzle. The leader has to have that expectation that the people under his command can accomplish something really wonderful, and he has to believe that strongly enough to make the people being led believe it to.

So, who is the leader in your house? Well, when it comes to house cleaning, you are. Surprise! Right or wrong, the woman is nearly always the one who sets the tone for how the house is kept (or not!). So, whether you think you applied for the position or not, you are the leader - yes you! So, what are your expectations?

Well, first let's define what expectations are. Obviously, they are what you EXPECT. Now what you hope for or what you are wishing for, or what you are planning for in the future. In a way they are your standards. They are literally what you will or will not stand for both from yourself and from others.

So, what are your expectations for yourself? Will you stand for? Will you stand for living in a messy, cluttered house where you're not happy? Or will you be that inspiring leader who expects more from yourself - and others? Will it take hard work and discipline? Heck ya! But will you end up with something worthwhile in the end? Heck ya!

And what about your family - your kids and your husband, if you have one? Do you hold them to a higher standard, or do you just figure that kids are kids, or that all men are just destined to be slobs? If those are the expectations you have, how likely are these people going to live up to them? Hmmm.

But if you make up your mind that they are bright, capable people who could do a lot better with the right motivation, you might be on the way to having a house full of bright, capable people who might just help you out a bit more around the house. It's worth a try. Now go and watch some of those movies and get some good ideas, you leader you!

The Broken Window Effect

There is something that researchers have discovered that is very important. They call it the broken window effect and here is how they discovered it. They did studies in average middle-class neighborhoods where they would leave something out that could easily be stolen - such as a bike, or an attractive pot of flowers, or a tire pump or something. In some cases, they made sure that the area looked very clean and respectable and in other cases, they would have a broken window or some graffiti on the wall. The numbers were very definitive. In the cases where there some kind of disarray or where it looked like someone had already broken the law in some way, the item was much more likely to be stolen. But in the cases where the area was looking very nice, the rate of crime went down dramatically.

I have to say, stuff like this just fascinates me and I wish more people took it more seriously. If people really understood all this stuff, Mayors and Police Commissioners would spend more money on clean-up crews in the inner city and less on police and probably end up with a much safer place for people to live. I'd love to be able to try an experiment like that.

If you've ever seen the movie Stand By Me, one of the first things the new Principal does is eliminate the graffiti and clean up the conditions at the school and that is one of the factors that creates the good behavior the students start showing.

Now, how can you put that principle to work in your house? If you leave one pair of shoes in the hall, how quickly are they going to be joined by other pairs of shoes? If you leave one dish on the counter, how likely is there to be a pile of them by the end of the day? I really think that clutter breeds more clutter in the same way that ugliness and urban decay increases crime.

So, what's the solution? I think you need to implement a zero tolerance policy in some areas of your home. In my house, for instance, the entryway is off-limits to clutter of any kind. I made a special point of setting up a formal living room right there so that people would see the nicest area of the house the moment they step through the door.

The kids do tend to want to leave clutter there in the form of bookbags, shoes, coats, etc. Or their camping gear when they get home from a trip or something. But it doesn't stay there for very long. The minute I come through the door, if I see stuff that shouldn't be there, I am calling people to come and get their stuff out of there. And if I get that "in a minute, Mom" stuff, I am not at all shy about removing it to the garage, the front yard, or wherever else I deem appropriate. That's how a zero tolerance policy looks.

I don't think you can manage that with the whole house. Like the old saying goes, you have to pick your battles. But there's no reason that you can't designate a couple of high-visibility spots to be your zero tolerance zones. It's just a matter of how many spots you have the time and patience to defend. Because you will have to defend it - more frequently at first as the family tries to sound out how serious you are about the new policy. But if you keep up on it, they'll go along with the program without too much fuss. Try it and see.

How One Woman Changed the World

It's been a long time since I've shared something from one of the dozens of E-mails I get every day, but once in a while, I run across something that is so special, I feel like I need to share it with you. This E-mail is from Pam Young, one of the original Slob Sisters who first inspired Flylady (if you don't know who Flylady is, you really need to know - go to Flylady.com and find out). She now runs a website called the Brat Factor that is dedicated to those inner Brats in our heads who want to run the show and not do the things we all know we should be doing.

On Saturday my husband Terry and I had the privilege of having Candace Lightner (I think she went by Candy when you would have heard of her) to our home for dinner. Candace is the founder of MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Driving. She and Terry were in real estate together in Sacramento when her 13-year-old daughter was killed by a hit and run drunk driver. In my estimation Candice Lightner changed the behavior of our society!

I remember the Oregonian had a front-page story about what she was doing. A grieving mom used her personal tragedy to illicit change in our legal system’s leniency in sentencing drunks who drive and kill. I was dating a lawyer.

“Yikes, this is gonna change a lot of personal behavior in the legal community,” my attorney date said as we sipped glasses of wine in a restaurant in downtown Portland.

“Legal community?”

“Yeah attorneys and judges.”

“How will this change them?”

“Well, just last month I was at the court house at a party, all attorneys and judges and a few paralegals and the booze was flowing and somebody got out a breathalyzer and everyone started blowing into it to see who could get the highest blood alcohol number.”

“And?”

“And, then we partied, laughed, drank more and all drove home.

“Even the winner?”

“Yep.”

Candace put a stop to (or at least a pretty big plug in that kind of behavior and today most of the people I know are conscientious about not drinking and driving!

As moms we know that Candace’s tragedy is our worst nightmare! I have great respect for what she was able to accomplish and I was happy to meet her and see that she made it through her grief. I can report she was dressed all the way to shoes, had make-up on, cute hair, jewelry, she smelled good and laughed easily (all the things I didn’t think I would be able to do if such a terrible thing would happen to me).

Yesterday was Sidetracked Home Executives anniversary. Peggy and I decided to change our behavior on June 16, 1977 and I am humbled to think our decision has made a ripple in the lives of millions; maybe not the Candace Lightner caliber of ripple, but still a ripple that will continue after we’re gone.

So here is my simplistic estimation of how change happens.

You don’t like your situation: a messy house, a stressful relationship, indebtedness or an out-of-shape body, just to name a few.

First, realize that your situation was created over time and it’s going to take time to change it. Second, in order to change your situation, realize you have to change your behavior that created the situation. In order to change your behavior, you have to change the thinking that was behind the behavior. In order to change the thinking behind the behavior you have to be aware of those thoughts that created the behavior that created the situation.

So, if you want to change your life, you must change your thinking, but by the time you are up to your neck in a situation you don’t like, the thoughts that created the behavior (and ultimately the situation) are a habit and you don’t even realize you’ve been thinking them. The good news is that you can change a habit (even if it’s a “thinking” habit! Start catching your thoughts before they get you to do something that will sabotage your good intentions. Thought by thought you will gradually get into a habit of new behavior that will produce the situations you dream of.



Please visit our website at www.thebratfactor.com.

Just some quick hints

When you are cooking, run a sink full of warm soapy water first. Then you can rinse the pots and pans and either set them on the counter to dry, or pop them in the dish washer for more thorough cleaning.

This is a good idea for mail. I saw one of my BO friends doing this. When her bills or other important mail comes in, she takes a big black Sharpie and writes all the info on the back of the envelope. Something like "Electric bill -due 10/15" or "Car Registration". Then she puts them into a basket. That way she just flip through the basket to tell what bills are due without having to search through the envelopes. I thought that was a great idea!

I keep a "sock orphanage" down in my laundry room. Then when I have mismatched socks, I toss them in there. Every month or so, I dig through it and see if I've got any matches. Eventually, I'll throw them out, but I'm always hopeful I'll find that missing sock....

We watch movies - a LOT! And my guys are terrible about putting them back in the cases. So every so often I'll gather up a whole stack of them that are laying around and I put them into the closet for a "time out". I'll even put a note on them "In time out until October 20th". Nobody dares touch them and it makes them get better about putting them away - for a while anyway.

I have been known to put notes on the counters or on the kitchen table. "You may NOT leave dirty dishes here - you need to put them in the dishwasher. If it needs to be emptied - JUST DO IT". I can nag and nag and they just tune me out, but strangely enough, they'll mind the notes - again for a while. They tune them out after a week or two, but it does help.

One of my clients came up with a great idea this week. When you're feeling low on motivation for a chore, persuade your husband to bribe you. Say something like - if I clean out this closet today, will you take me out to dinner? If he wants more room in the the closet, he's likely to agree and then you have a reward to motivate you to do the chore. Hey, bribery WORKS! Let it work for you instead of against you! Plus you get a nice dinner with your husband.

When your teenagers won't clean their rooms, "offer" to clean it for them, maybe even insist on it if they don't do it themselves by a certain time. Most teenagers are so big on their precious PRIVACY, they would rather DIE than have you touching their stuff.

Oh, here's a naughty one, but it's funny! When you get really mad at your husband - go shopping. With the TV remote in your purse! He'll go crazy looking everywhere for hours. Then you slip it out and just leave it somewhere and say, Oh it was right over here all the time....

Drowning in Clutter?

Think about some of the words you use to describe your clutter.  Do you ever say you are buried in junk, drowning in clutter, or suffocated by your stuff?  Why do we say stuff like that?  It's not just a saying, that's the way clutter really affects us. 

Besides being bad for your self-esteem, excessive clutter really affects your state of mind and adds to your stress level.  It's just impossible to relax fully when you're in a very cluttered room.  Take a moment and look around the room you're in while you're reading this.  Is it clean or cluttered?  How does it make you feel?  Take a moment and imagine how you would feel if it were more clean or more cluttered?  My guess is that you would be more anxious and stressed if it was more messy and more relaxed and peaceful if it was clean.  Your mind just works that way.  Your eye is always looking for clear and uncluttered surfaces to rest on and your brain is always subconsciously trying to remind you of tasks and chores you should be doing. 

Is your peace of mind worth a few 15 minute cleanups?  I would think it would be.  I know when I get on the ball and keep my house looking nice, I definitely notice an improvement in my mood and also in my family's mood.  My kids tend to get along better, and my husband is less likely to be grouchy.  To me, that's well worth a few minutes a day of extra cleaning! 

Completing the Cycle

You know, I think what gets us into trouble sometimes is that some jobs have multiple steps - a cleaning cycle, if you will. You don't just get to dump the clothes into the washer and be done with it. You have to wash them, dry them, fold them, and then put them away and if you skip any step in that cycle, you may end up with a wet, smelly, wrinkled mess. Same thing with dishes - you can't just put them in the dishwasher, you have to put soap in, start it, unload it and then start a new cycle.

I think it would help us if we could think of our tasks in terms of the whole cycle instead of just one part of it. When you do laundry, make a commitment to complete the whole cycle. Make a plan, set a timer, delegate part of the cycle, basically do whatever needs to happen to make sure that the chore isn't going to get abandoned in the midst of the cycle. I know that we all have a lot going on and some of us (I mean ME) have some ADD tendencies. But that doesn't excuse you from doing what needs to be done, it just means that you have to work harder at it and that you need to use some extra strategies to make it work for you.

I know a lot of us like checklists. I know I do and I get a ton more done when I take the time to use them. But what do you put on your to-do list? Do you just put do laundry and hope for the best? Wouldn't it be better to put each step of the cycle as a separate but related task? That way you'll be reminded to complete ALL the steps and besides, then you get 3 or 4 check marks instead of just one!

Give it a try and then leave me some comments and tell me how it worked for you. I need some comment lovin' here. I'm starting to feel like I'm just talking to myself!

Hide and Seek

When you lose an item in your house, after you find it, put it back in the 1st place you looked for it. That is it's natural home and if you keep it there, you'll always know where to find it.

There are certain items that get lost all the time, so it's a great idea to establish a regular "home" for them. Keys, for instance, they get lost all the time and you end up with a lot of stress and wasted time looking for them when you want to go somewhere. If you install a hook right inside your door and get in the habit of hanging your keys on it, you'll always know where your keys are. I'm always losing my purse. I have about four different places I leave it in, so I always have a little bit of a hunt for it. I picked just one spot to put it in and I'm training myself to always keep it there. What items do you lose the most frequently?