Here's a fabulous little tidbit from the Brat Factory, which is run by Pam Young, the lady in the decluttering video we watched.
My approach to our little brats is very simplistic. All I want us to do is become aware of our under-the- radar-of-our-conscious-mind thinking so we can behave in ways that create well-being. I decided to "play" with the concept in a light-hearted way and so I named that self-indulgent, self-defeating "voice" within me, Nelly.
I believe we were meant to glorify God within us. We are all children of God and as His children we have been given the blessed gift of choice. We get to be a mess if we want to. We get to be fat if we want to, spend more than we make if we want to OR we can "get a hold of ourselves" (that immature, self-indulgent, often hurt little part of us) and in kindness and love (two more gifts we've been given by God) shed light on our brats and remind ourselves what we REALLY want.
Remember, discipline is remembering what you REALLY want. I know you all want to thrive. I know you want clean, cozy, happy homes. I know you want free time to be creative, to read and learn and to play. It all starts within you. It's within you that you get God's strength. It's within you that you receive His love. It's within you that you decide to be organized.
Being alert and aware to the self- defeating voice takes practice and practicing that won't be admitting you have a split personality. (People with split personalities aren't aware they have turned into another person.) All we are doing with our brats is becoming aware of thoughts that won't create well-being.
My guess is your brat thinks stuff like: 'I'll put that away later. It's not fair I have to do that. I want to play on the computer now. I don't have to do that 'cause I'm big now and I can do what I want.' When we grow up we are suppose to give up our childish ways, but we don't always do that. We are such a self-indulgent society and it does not serve us well. My goal is to be mature but still have child-like qualities, not childish ways.
Childlike qualities to me are faith, optimism, curiosity, enthusiasm, joy, staying teachable, etc. Childish ways to me are selfishness, rebellion, tantrums, over-indulgence, slovenly ways etc. There is no danger in recognizing self-defeating and self-indulgent behavior and doing something about it. Quite the opposite is true. We have been given the ability to self-destruct. It's all up to us.
Flylady says there is no Magic Pill, but I think there is! Our brats are little pills sometimes and they are magic. Over the years we have ignored our inner brats and they have been able to function under-the-radar of our consciousness and stay alive all these years. They crave our attention and if we will be kind, compassionate and loving with ourselves we will be amazed at what these little pills will do!
Please visit our website at www.thebratfactor.com.
9/30/08
9/28/08
Pam & Peggy's Card File System
Well, I finally found ONE advantage to the Pam & Peggy card file system. This is a little bit like the Huck Finn system of getting your work done:
From a subscriber:
When my kids were young (they are all adults now) I was on your 3x5 cardfile system and when the neighbor children would come to my house, I made up games for them to play. One game I called "Beat the Clock" and I would give everyone a Hula Hoop to place on the floor. Then I would throw all the "3x5 job cards" that needed to be done, into the air. Whatever cards landed in their hoop were their jobs. The kids would race around the house to be the first to complete the tasks. Everyone always got a Popsicle and my kids loved the extra help doing their chores.
One boy came to visit me after he was 30 years old and told me that he cleaned my toilets more than he ever cleaned his own! My niece also made me promise to never tell her mother that she knew HOW to clean ovens and stove tops. But she certainly cleaned mine, and had fun doing it.
Your fantastic card system has been such a blessing. I was definitely a SHE and proud to say I still am. I agree with you, LIFE IS SUPPOSED TO BE FUN!
To order the 3x5 cardfile system click here. The Brat Factory
From a subscriber:
When my kids were young (they are all adults now) I was on your 3x5 cardfile system and when the neighbor children would come to my house, I made up games for them to play. One game I called "Beat the Clock" and I would give everyone a Hula Hoop to place on the floor. Then I would throw all the "3x5 job cards" that needed to be done, into the air. Whatever cards landed in their hoop were their jobs. The kids would race around the house to be the first to complete the tasks. Everyone always got a Popsicle and my kids loved the extra help doing their chores.
One boy came to visit me after he was 30 years old and told me that he cleaned my toilets more than he ever cleaned his own! My niece also made me promise to never tell her mother that she knew HOW to clean ovens and stove tops. But she certainly cleaned mine, and had fun doing it.
Your fantastic card system has been such a blessing. I was definitely a SHE and proud to say I still am. I agree with you, LIFE IS SUPPOSED TO BE FUN!
To order the 3x5 cardfile system click here. The Brat Factory
9/22/08
Great Improvements with Decluttering
I thought this was a nice little essay to share with you. I like how she's had such a dramatic transformation and didn't even realize it. That's why I'm so adamant about you taking your before and after pictures. That way you can really SEE the difference.
Dear FlyLady,
Hi, I just wanted to say thank you for what a difference you've made in my life, and very much in my marriage. When I started dating my now-husband, I lived in an apartment with my(cleaning-challenged) younger brother and two cats (one of whom made it his mission to pee everywhere, no matter what I did or sprayed on my furniture, and rugs - ew). It was cluttered, messy, smelly and, thanks largely but not entirely to the cats, dirty. My now-DH was silently horrified, and only when I reformed did he tell me how disgusting it was.
We now live in a 1-bedroom apartment with a nice open feel to it. Why? Lots and lots of clutter purging, very minimal furniture, and lots of little cleaning. Thanks to your FlyLady system, both my toilets are almost always clean, my bed has a pretty comforter and is almost always made, we have a working mail system that keeps bills at the front, and before my pre-bed moisturizing etc, I lay out my outfit for the next day (saving much sleep-fogged time in the morning!). I have especially found helpful your reflections on eliminating martyrdom, and blessing our families with cleaning, so not only is our apartment clean and welcoming, my attitude about the cleaning is also (again, mostly :)).
Several months ago, my best friend and former housemate of 3 years (I even shared a room with her for several months) came to visit and walked around the apartment thoughtfully, and finally said to me,"So... is your house always this clean?" And I just looked blank for a second while I looked around, then said, "Um, yeah, pretty much." That's when I realized what an amazing transformation has taken place.
Thanks to you FlyLady, the contrast could not be more amazing. I can assure you this transformation did not start with me, but it has become a part of me.
Thank you very much!
Flying in Northern Virginia
FlyLady here: If I can help you do one thing it is to declutter. When you do...you fling the clutter and CHAOS out of your home. It is so much easier to keep your home clean when you don't have piles of stuff sitting everywhere and falling out of closets and cabinets.
Today we are starting our Super Fling Boogie. We are in zone 4 - the master bedroom. Kelly's mission today is to declutter the tops of our dressers. The first thing to do when decluttering is to throw away anything that is trash. Those receipts, post it notes, etc that are just claiming space - toss them!. The next thing is to look at what is left on your dresser - Do you need it? Do you love it? Do you use it?
Do you have anything on your dresser that needs to be put away someplace else? Pick up, put away, then pick up and put in a give away box that you will donate later.
During the next month we will declutter in every zone. As you declutter we want you to post the pounds flung in the Super Fling Boogie Meter!! If you throw it away, donate to charity, give it to a friend or neighbor, post it on freecycle.org. ..you post the pounds on the meter. http://flylady. net/pages/ sfb_meter_ 1.asp
9/20/08
Good Tip for Fish Food
I got this tip in the mail and I thought it was great. I know that probably none of you actually have fish, but maybe you can adapt the idea into something useful. In order to stop her kids from overfeeding the fish, this lady came up with a great idea. She got one of those weekly pill dispensers at the grocery store that has a little spot for each day. Then she puts a little pinch of fish food in each little spot. That way the kids know exactly how much to feed the fish and she can tell at a glance whether the fish have been fed or not each day. I love simple, clever ideas like this!
Now how can you adapt this idea for your own use? First of all, it is great for taking your pills. I've had one for years. It's so much easier than opening up 3 or 4 different bottles and when you go on vacation, it takes up a lot less space.
They come in a larger size - we gave my husband one as part of his gag gifts for his 50th birthday, but the larger size would be nice for other things. Maybe you could put notes in it for weekly chores for your kids (or yourself!). Or you could fill it with those mini candy bars for a daily reward. Get creative!
I've also seen something similar for clothes. It's a nylon thing that hangs from the clothes bar and there are little slots to put daily outfits in. Each pocket is labeled with a day of the week. They're intended for little kids, but there's no reason you couldn't use them yourself. Wouldn't it be nice to start the work week with your clothes all picked out and ready to go for the whole week?
My Mom used to make her own TV dinners. She would save the trays from ones she'd bought, then she'd take a fill them up with chicken nuggets, those frozen french fries or tater tots and some apple sauce or pudding. Then she'd cover them with foil, stack them up and freeze them. It's not much work and it's a lot more cost effective than buying them. I've tried the month-long cooking thing where you make up large portions of several recipes and then freeze them. It's a lot of work, but my family really enjoyed them. I've done the My Girlfriend's Kitchen thing a few times too. It's a fun evening to put all the meals together and my family raves about their recipes. Maybe I'll try that again this month...
Do any of you have any good ideas like this to share?
9/18/08
Inspiration for the Day
This tidbit comes to us from Ralph Marsden who runs a site called the Daily Motivator. He has a ton of these little essays on there and for a small fee, you can have them sent directly to your mailbox every morning. What a great way to start your day!
Always something
There is always something positive that you can do. On the best of days, or in the most challenging of circumstances, you can choose to move forward.
Conditions are not as bad as they seem, nor are conditions as good as they appear. Conditions are whatever you choose to make of them.
It's up to you to take the energy of this day and give it a specific direction. Though circumstances are constantly changing, you can always choose to move in the direction of your dreams.
Of course there are complications, challenges and obstacles. And you can use them all to create your own path forward.
You are in control of your thoughts and actions. That's a powerful place from which to operate, no matter what the outside circumstances may be.
There is always something positive, productive, enriching and fulfilling that you can do. Get up, get going, and make a difference in your own special way.
-- Ralph Marston
9/16/08
Good tip for kid's rooms
Here's a great tip from Pam of the Bratfactory.com on helping kids clean their rooms. I've tried lots of strategies, but I've never tried this one. I think it's great. You could post the pictures on the wall or the book case or whatever so they can see in a glance exactly what it's supposed to look like:
I use my camera after I clean (my boys' room) so that they can see how it is suppose to look after they clean it. It works, they try to match it toy for toy, shelf for shelf and even under the bed. They love having an example to guide them. Kim Galvan
I use my camera after I clean (my boys' room) so that they can see how it is suppose to look after they clean it. It works, they try to match it toy for toy, shelf for shelf and even under the bed. They love having an example to guide them. Kim Galvan
9/15/08
Depression
Here's an essay Flylady posted a while back about Depression. She reposts it from time-to-time because a lot of people who have problems like ours are also suffering from depression.
Here is an essay I wrote about my depression.
Dear Friends,
Many years ago when I was going though a rough time in my life; my step-father had died, my marriage was falling apart, I had lost a job because my boss had died and the list could go on for a while of all the changes that were taking place in my life. I was tired and my fatigue level kept dropping and I didn't even realize what was happening. It took a friend to see that I was depressed and needed some help. Change is difficult at best for most people, but when we get double and triple whammied we can have a hard time. For instance we have a baby. That has its own difficulties with baby blues and post partum depression. Then bringing a new baby home and the stress related to changing your routine to nurture this young life and yourself. A lot of the times you get left out.
When my friend noticed the changes in me over a few months she got me an appointment with her psychologist in Memphis. She asked me to go with her to this appointment. She failed to tell me it was for me. I pulled myself together and we drove two hours. When we got there she informed me that the appointment was for me because I had not been myself for many months. When I look back at myself; I see me sitting for hours and not moving just sitting. I was not taking care of myself. I was barely eating.
After talking with the therapist it was suggest that I check myself into the hospital. I couldn't do that at the time. We drove home. I told my son's father (I will not call him a husband) that they wanted me to get some treatment. He said, "If you check yourself into the loony bin then don't bother coming home!" I look back and think how could someone be that inconsiderate but I am thankful for his attitude today. Because it was those words that pushed me to get help.
They made me mad and my anger helped me to feel something! I packed my bags and drove back that night. While in the treatment facility you were not allowed to take medication. This was to help people with drug dependencies. My dependency was not drugs but food. After I got out of the ten day treatment, I saw a psychiatrist. He suggested that I needed to take medication to regulate the chemicals in my brain. He told me about a brand new drug that could help me. I told him that I really didn't want to take medications but he explained that if I needed blood pressure medicine or insulin that I would not turn down those life saving drugs. I needed help to save my life because I had lost my way.
To be honest I had suicidal thoughts. That scared me. So pair that with being angry, I told him I would take the Prozac. He explained that it would take about nine days for it to get into my system. On the ninth day I woke up with a new attitude. It was as if the light had been turn on and it was no longer night all the time. This was the day I started to live again. I slowly began to gain control over my lack of feelings. I will never forget the first time I felt the cramps. I actually celebrated being able to feel pain. I had been numb with depression. Taking my medication helped me to feel again. I got over my fear of taking medication to save my life. It took the love of another person to see the drastic changes in my personality.
Then it took a surge of adrenaline from anger to get me moving. Then it took the medication to help me over the hump and onto an even playing field. When you have fallen into a depression; don't ever want to go there again. You can feel yourself sliding and you can stop the slide by recognizing the signs. In 1995 I had another tough year. I started to feel myself isolate and I stopped the slide by going to my local mental health office. I knew that God had brought me to North Carolina for a reason and I was determined to find out what that was. I am so happy that I did. As you can see, I had to go through this to help you understand that we don't have to suffer with depression. We can get help. This is what FLYing is all about; Finally Loving yourself enough to take care ofyou with babysteps. Go see your doctor, establish simple habits to help relieve stress; go to bed at a decent hour and get out in the sun and do some loving movement.
Don't be ashamed to take your medications. For more information on depression; I went to the Mayo Clinic. http://www.mayoclin ic.com/health/ depression/ DS00175/DSECTION =2
FlyLady
Here is an essay I wrote about my depression.
Dear Friends,
Many years ago when I was going though a rough time in my life; my step-father had died, my marriage was falling apart, I had lost a job because my boss had died and the list could go on for a while of all the changes that were taking place in my life. I was tired and my fatigue level kept dropping and I didn't even realize what was happening. It took a friend to see that I was depressed and needed some help. Change is difficult at best for most people, but when we get double and triple whammied we can have a hard time. For instance we have a baby. That has its own difficulties with baby blues and post partum depression. Then bringing a new baby home and the stress related to changing your routine to nurture this young life and yourself. A lot of the times you get left out.
When my friend noticed the changes in me over a few months she got me an appointment with her psychologist in Memphis. She asked me to go with her to this appointment. She failed to tell me it was for me. I pulled myself together and we drove two hours. When we got there she informed me that the appointment was for me because I had not been myself for many months. When I look back at myself; I see me sitting for hours and not moving just sitting. I was not taking care of myself. I was barely eating.
After talking with the therapist it was suggest that I check myself into the hospital. I couldn't do that at the time. We drove home. I told my son's father (I will not call him a husband) that they wanted me to get some treatment. He said, "If you check yourself into the loony bin then don't bother coming home!" I look back and think how could someone be that inconsiderate but I am thankful for his attitude today. Because it was those words that pushed me to get help.
They made me mad and my anger helped me to feel something! I packed my bags and drove back that night. While in the treatment facility you were not allowed to take medication. This was to help people with drug dependencies. My dependency was not drugs but food. After I got out of the ten day treatment, I saw a psychiatrist. He suggested that I needed to take medication to regulate the chemicals in my brain. He told me about a brand new drug that could help me. I told him that I really didn't want to take medications but he explained that if I needed blood pressure medicine or insulin that I would not turn down those life saving drugs. I needed help to save my life because I had lost my way.
To be honest I had suicidal thoughts. That scared me. So pair that with being angry, I told him I would take the Prozac. He explained that it would take about nine days for it to get into my system. On the ninth day I woke up with a new attitude. It was as if the light had been turn on and it was no longer night all the time. This was the day I started to live again. I slowly began to gain control over my lack of feelings. I will never forget the first time I felt the cramps. I actually celebrated being able to feel pain. I had been numb with depression. Taking my medication helped me to feel again. I got over my fear of taking medication to save my life. It took the love of another person to see the drastic changes in my personality.
Then it took a surge of adrenaline from anger to get me moving. Then it took the medication to help me over the hump and onto an even playing field. When you have fallen into a depression; don't ever want to go there again. You can feel yourself sliding and you can stop the slide by recognizing the signs. In 1995 I had another tough year. I started to feel myself isolate and I stopped the slide by going to my local mental health office. I knew that God had brought me to North Carolina for a reason and I was determined to find out what that was. I am so happy that I did. As you can see, I had to go through this to help you understand that we don't have to suffer with depression. We can get help. This is what FLYing is all about; Finally Loving yourself enough to take care ofyou with babysteps. Go see your doctor, establish simple habits to help relieve stress; go to bed at a decent hour and get out in the sun and do some loving movement.
Don't be ashamed to take your medications. For more information on depression; I went to the Mayo Clinic. http://www.mayoclin ic.com/health/ depression/ DS00175/DSECTION =2
Are you ready to FLY? I survived and you can too. Reach out and take my hand!
FlyLady
9/14/08
Habit
Here's a little tidbit I got in my mail today. This is totally my nemisis. My bad habits rule my life and I only get past them with great effort. That's where our daily routines are so helpful. Those are good habits we are trying to build that will help us conquer our bad habits.
by John Di Lemme
I am your constant companion.
I am your greatest helper or your heaviest burden.
I will push you onward or drag you down to failure.
I am completely at your command.
Half the things you do, you might just as well turn over to me, and I will do them automatically.
I am easliy managed; you must merely be firm with me.
Show me exactly how you want something done, and I will do it quickly and correctly.
I am the servant of all great men and women, and all failures as well.
Those who are great, I have made great.
Those who are failures, I have made failures.
I am not a machine, though I work with all the precision of a machine, plus the intelligence of a human being.
You may run me for profit or run me for ruin, it makes no difference to me.
Take me, train me, be firm with me, and I will place the world at your feet.
Be easy with me and I will destroy you.
Who am I?
I am Habit.
by John Di Lemme
I am your constant companion.
I am your greatest helper or your heaviest burden.
I will push you onward or drag you down to failure.
I am completely at your command.
Half the things you do, you might just as well turn over to me, and I will do them automatically.
I am easliy managed; you must merely be firm with me.
Show me exactly how you want something done, and I will do it quickly and correctly.
I am the servant of all great men and women, and all failures as well.
Those who are great, I have made great.
Those who are failures, I have made failures.
I am not a machine, though I work with all the precision of a machine, plus the intelligence of a human being.
You may run me for profit or run me for ruin, it makes no difference to me.
Take me, train me, be firm with me, and I will place the world at your feet.
Be easy with me and I will destroy you.
Who am I?
I am Habit.
9/13/08
Clean House Equals Money in the Bank??
The other day, I was over at the home of one of my "cleanie" friends and it's really got me thinking. This lady had a gorgeous house that was beautiful and apparently effortlessly clean. I was in several different rooms and all of them were gorgeously decorated and looking wonderful even though she works and wasn't expecting visitors.
I used to feel really bad about myself when I would go into homes like this. Now I try to use people like this as an example and a way to get ideas. Obviously, I'll never manage to keep my home exactly like this because she has that "born organized" gene and I don't, but I think it's an opportunity to learn. The interesting thing is that people like this probably don't spend HALF the time cleaning that we do. Because they've got those naturally neat habits, they just sort of pick things up all the time as they are going about their day, so they never have a big mess to deal with like I do. And apparently this has rubbed off on her husband and children, which is wonderful. I've seen both her kids rooms and they are just as nice as the rest of the house.
I have several friends like this and there's one thing I've noticed. They all seem to be in the category, I would term as "well-to-do" or some of them are even quite wealthy. They certainly have beautiful homes in nice neighborhoods that are full of beautiful furniture and decor. This leads me to kind of a chicken or egg question. Are they doing well because they have neat habits, or do they have neat habits because they are well to do?
Personally, I kind of think it is the first one. I think they are doing well because of the neat habits they have developed. The good habits that make for a nice house are the same habits that make for a good worker and a good parent. What employer doesn't want an employee who is organized, meticulous, and self-disciplined? And these same skills come in very handy as a parent. I know that my kids struggle a lot in school, not because they aren't really, really smart, but because I don't do well in helping them keep organized.
Here's an interesting thought. What if we were to take like three months and really focus on building our routines and getting our house into this kind of shape? I'll bet that then we would have the confidence and the skills to go out and get a better job and do a much better job with managing our money. We'd probably be much better parents too.
I've heard of this before. Flylady has said many times that messy houses are often tied with other problems, such as weight issues, money problems, marital problems and low-self esteem. But it's kind of like a spider web. When you tighten up one thread in the web, the other ones just automatically tighten up as well. And what a great goal. Wouldn't it be just wonderful if we could all have a clean house, lots of money, great kids, AND a skinny body - whoohoo!
I used to feel really bad about myself when I would go into homes like this. Now I try to use people like this as an example and a way to get ideas. Obviously, I'll never manage to keep my home exactly like this because she has that "born organized" gene and I don't, but I think it's an opportunity to learn. The interesting thing is that people like this probably don't spend HALF the time cleaning that we do. Because they've got those naturally neat habits, they just sort of pick things up all the time as they are going about their day, so they never have a big mess to deal with like I do. And apparently this has rubbed off on her husband and children, which is wonderful. I've seen both her kids rooms and they are just as nice as the rest of the house.
I have several friends like this and there's one thing I've noticed. They all seem to be in the category, I would term as "well-to-do" or some of them are even quite wealthy. They certainly have beautiful homes in nice neighborhoods that are full of beautiful furniture and decor. This leads me to kind of a chicken or egg question. Are they doing well because they have neat habits, or do they have neat habits because they are well to do?
Personally, I kind of think it is the first one. I think they are doing well because of the neat habits they have developed. The good habits that make for a nice house are the same habits that make for a good worker and a good parent. What employer doesn't want an employee who is organized, meticulous, and self-disciplined? And these same skills come in very handy as a parent. I know that my kids struggle a lot in school, not because they aren't really, really smart, but because I don't do well in helping them keep organized.
Here's an interesting thought. What if we were to take like three months and really focus on building our routines and getting our house into this kind of shape? I'll bet that then we would have the confidence and the skills to go out and get a better job and do a much better job with managing our money. We'd probably be much better parents too.
I've heard of this before. Flylady has said many times that messy houses are often tied with other problems, such as weight issues, money problems, marital problems and low-self esteem. But it's kind of like a spider web. When you tighten up one thread in the web, the other ones just automatically tighten up as well. And what a great goal. Wouldn't it be just wonderful if we could all have a clean house, lots of money, great kids, AND a skinny body - whoohoo!
9/9/08
The Happiness File
Here is a little post I received from Pam Jones - one of the ladies in the decluttering video we watched.
Dear Friends,
I know each one of you, because we are the same. One of your common questions since I started receiving mail from SHEs in 1978 (after writing Sidetracked Home Executives with my sister Peggy) has been: "Have you been looking in my windows?"
You saw yourself in our books and you were happy to know that you were not alone. We are all the same. We laugh the same, we cry the same, we are capable of some of the biggest messes in the world, but we are awesomely made and we are capable of incredible feats. I know you and I love you because we are the same.
In my 30 plus years of public speaking, I have been blessed to see you in a thousand audiences when you come together to learn and share your light. You are yummy bouquets of smiling, joyful, loving and beautiful flowers. There is nothing more rewarding in this world for me than to see and hear that you are getting organized and loving it.
Because when you get organized you are happier! Your mate is happier, your babies are happier and the world becomes a better place. That's why you are here. You were created to be happy and make this world a better place.
Speaking of being happy, FlyLady and I are so thrilled and excited to announce the premiere of the Happiness File Audio Book! In our career, Peggy and I wrote six books together, but the Happiness File generated more mail then all the others put together.
We received thousands of loving letters from grateful readers who told us the book changed their lives. Marla Cilley (Flylady) was one of them. It is because of the Happiness File's gentle nudging to be happier by breaking down life's common obstacles into manageable parts (baby steps) that she was able to change her circumstances and with her love and God-given talents, grow into the woman she shares with you today.
For more than ten years Marla has wanted to bring this book back into circulation and today it is a reality in a form that fits with our new technology. We wrote that book more than twenty years ago and what struck me as I was recording it for you is that the main ideas are as pertinent today as they were in the eighties. True, times change but life principles don't. We all need love and understanding. We need approval when we've done something good. We need encouragement and we all need to laugh, play and enjoy life.
The Happiness File can help lead you to a deeper realization that all is well, you are loved and you can change your circumstances when you change your mind. It took me almost a year to record The Happiness File in a state-of-the-art sound studio and I feel as though I've been in a cocoon with a beautiful butterfly. Now, because of FlyLady I can let this wonderful work fly in a new form!
We are very pleased with this talking book and we can't wait to hear how it has changed your life! Go to www.happinessfile.com to enjoy chapter one, The Golden Halo, free of charge and to order the entire book if you wish.
Love, Pam
Dear Friends,
I know each one of you, because we are the same. One of your common questions since I started receiving mail from SHEs in 1978 (after writing Sidetracked Home Executives with my sister Peggy) has been: "Have you been looking in my windows?"
You saw yourself in our books and you were happy to know that you were not alone. We are all the same. We laugh the same, we cry the same, we are capable of some of the biggest messes in the world, but we are awesomely made and we are capable of incredible feats. I know you and I love you because we are the same.
In my 30 plus years of public speaking, I have been blessed to see you in a thousand audiences when you come together to learn and share your light. You are yummy bouquets of smiling, joyful, loving and beautiful flowers. There is nothing more rewarding in this world for me than to see and hear that you are getting organized and loving it.
Because when you get organized you are happier! Your mate is happier, your babies are happier and the world becomes a better place. That's why you are here. You were created to be happy and make this world a better place.
Speaking of being happy, FlyLady and I are so thrilled and excited to announce the premiere of the Happiness File Audio Book! In our career, Peggy and I wrote six books together, but the Happiness File generated more mail then all the others put together.
We received thousands of loving letters from grateful readers who told us the book changed their lives. Marla Cilley (Flylady) was one of them. It is because of the Happiness File's gentle nudging to be happier by breaking down life's common obstacles into manageable parts (baby steps) that she was able to change her circumstances and with her love and God-given talents, grow into the woman she shares with you today.
For more than ten years Marla has wanted to bring this book back into circulation and today it is a reality in a form that fits with our new technology. We wrote that book more than twenty years ago and what struck me as I was recording it for you is that the main ideas are as pertinent today as they were in the eighties. True, times change but life principles don't. We all need love and understanding. We need approval when we've done something good. We need encouragement and we all need to laugh, play and enjoy life.
The Happiness File can help lead you to a deeper realization that all is well, you are loved and you can change your circumstances when you change your mind. It took me almost a year to record The Happiness File in a state-of-the-art sound studio and I feel as though I've been in a cocoon with a beautiful butterfly. Now, because of FlyLady I can let this wonderful work fly in a new form!
We are very pleased with this talking book and we can't wait to hear how it has changed your life! Go to www.happinessfile.com to enjoy chapter one, The Golden Halo, free of charge and to order the entire book if you wish.
Love, Pam
9/8/08
YAHOO - You Always Have Other Options
I thought this was an interesting testimonial just because it shows that even if you start off on the wrong way of doing things, you can always back up and make a different choice. In other words - YAHOO: You Always Have Other Options.
I am writing to say thank you for being the God Breeze I really needed in my life. I have suffered badly from depression at several points in my life. I began fluttering with FlyLady some years ago but gave it up along with a lot of other things that were good in my life in the face of the last onslaught of depression. I stopped caring about myself and my home. I have a DD and a DH who badly needed me and I got through for them and managed to do what I needed to get us by, just functioning on autopilot. We often turned up late for things. I was often really stressed and would shout and because I was very disorganized. I was often worried and anxious. All things that just fed feeling more and more depressed. I gave up my dance class and didn't see people, I just withdrew from life and felt miserable.
A few months ago I began to feel a little bit brighter. So much so that I thought that I would begin to clear out the house. I thought that a "once and for all clear out" was the way forward for me. I thought I wouldn't do it the FlyLady way. I thought that I would just go for it. My weird logic was if I trashed the house then I would HAVE to do something about it and clear up the mess. (Can you see the flaw in the plan already?).
So I cleared out my shed. I cleared out the cupboard under the stairs and I began to clear out the attic. I had stuff in the hallway, stuff in the dining room, stuff in the living room, stuff in the bedroom. ALL OVER THE HOUSE! Then I burnt out. So much for feeling better, now the house was a total tip and clutter breeds clutter (as you guys know). Doing housework became really difficult and I felt really low about it.
I felt that I was a failure to my family and a failure to myself. A month or so went past living in this horrible chaos then I thought about the FlyLady. Maybe there was more to that than I thought. Maybe there was a way to deal with all the clutter in my house. I got off my Franny and ordered your book off of the website. I have read it and thought about it and it has all finally clicked.
I began with a morning routine and just got used to that. It was pretty much all I could manage at first but I felt really good about it. There was an instant improvement in the house and the way I felt.I really enjoyed the feeling of conquering my Mount Washmore. I then decided to shine my sink. My sink is beautiful. DH and DD started noticing that Mum seemed a little happier and more calm at this point and I started to talk about the FlyLady with them.
They began to help with the morning routine too. I then took on the clutter in each room left over from my disastrous "once and for all clearout". My DH helped and my DD was really wonderful and decluttered her own room (with my loving and calm help – I realized that we all need clear directions about what to do and we need to be encouraged and praised for doing it).
As I sit and type this with tears running down my cheeks I really need to tell you that my house is looking really good. I have managed to deal with all the clutter from my clear out and am continuing to do fifteen minutes decluttering every day. I have put in the evening routine and am really working on turning it into a habit. When I set out my clothes the night before I put my bath robe next to my bed, in the morning I slip into that and am snugly and warm while I get mybreakfast and the others breakfast ready (I've been spoiling them with breakfast in bed recently - I love to do it. Such a nice way to wake them up and welcome them to their day) and then I get showered and pamper myself with my face creams (I do this morning and evening DH has commented on how great my skin is looking) and then I get dressed to shoes (so easy with my clothes already picked out) and start the morning jobs.
My DD has gone back to school this week and was all organized calm and happy and I've made the packed lunches the night before and the mornings have become a fun time. We laugh where we used to shout and feel stressed. The clothes are all clean, the dishes are all clean in the dishwasher (bedtime routine to thank for that!) and there is a happiness and a peace in our house that I have never known.
In the next couple of months I am going to set about organizing the finances with the help of FACE which I have discovered on your website and want to explore further and I am looking forward to adding in more routines one BabyStep at a time. I feel really good about myself and about my home and about my family.
I realize that feeling good really is something that is infectious and we're all laughing so much more and I am beginning to really get better. I'm going back to dance class next week and I've got myself a new job and am feeling really great and excited about that. And I have to tell you before I go that today I didn't manage to do all of the morning routine before I had to go and take my DD to school. When I got home my DH had done it all for me because it was clear what had to be done (post-it notes all over the place you see!)
Thank you FlyLady for being there. All of the routines and the testimonials and the essays are inspirational and I am beginning to understand about finally loving myself and because I am taking care of me I am suddenly able to love and support my DH and DD so much more and I know that I will grow and grow from this point onwards. Thank you for all that you do.
FlyBaby in the UK
FlyLady here: Oh...purple puddles! I am so glad that routines and BabySteps have helped this FlyBaby claim the peace she deserves. If you are feeling depressed... please seek medical help. This is what I did when I was depressed. Follow the prescribed medical treatment. FLYing means finally loving yourself..and if you are depressed you won't be able to love yourself. Our habit for September is the before bed routine. It is amazing how much better your morning is with a few BabySteps in the evening. Tonight...after your busy day...do a little..and go to sleep knowing that an easier morning awaits you!!!!
Dear FlyLady,
I am writing to say thank you for being the God Breeze I really needed in my life. I have suffered badly from depression at several points in my life. I began fluttering with FlyLady some years ago but gave it up along with a lot of other things that were good in my life in the face of the last onslaught of depression. I stopped caring about myself and my home. I have a DD and a DH who badly needed me and I got through for them and managed to do what I needed to get us by, just functioning on autopilot. We often turned up late for things. I was often really stressed and would shout and because I was very disorganized. I was often worried and anxious. All things that just fed feeling more and more depressed. I gave up my dance class and didn't see people, I just withdrew from life and felt miserable.
A few months ago I began to feel a little bit brighter. So much so that I thought that I would begin to clear out the house. I thought that a "once and for all clear out" was the way forward for me. I thought I wouldn't do it the FlyLady way. I thought that I would just go for it. My weird logic was if I trashed the house then I would HAVE to do something about it and clear up the mess. (Can you see the flaw in the plan already?).
So I cleared out my shed. I cleared out the cupboard under the stairs and I began to clear out the attic. I had stuff in the hallway, stuff in the dining room, stuff in the living room, stuff in the bedroom. ALL OVER THE HOUSE! Then I burnt out. So much for feeling better, now the house was a total tip and clutter breeds clutter (as you guys know). Doing housework became really difficult and I felt really low about it.
I felt that I was a failure to my family and a failure to myself. A month or so went past living in this horrible chaos then I thought about the FlyLady. Maybe there was more to that than I thought. Maybe there was a way to deal with all the clutter in my house. I got off my Franny and ordered your book off of the website. I have read it and thought about it and it has all finally clicked.
I began with a morning routine and just got used to that. It was pretty much all I could manage at first but I felt really good about it. There was an instant improvement in the house and the way I felt.I really enjoyed the feeling of conquering my Mount Washmore. I then decided to shine my sink. My sink is beautiful. DH and DD started noticing that Mum seemed a little happier and more calm at this point and I started to talk about the FlyLady with them.
They began to help with the morning routine too. I then took on the clutter in each room left over from my disastrous "once and for all clearout". My DH helped and my DD was really wonderful and decluttered her own room (with my loving and calm help – I realized that we all need clear directions about what to do and we need to be encouraged and praised for doing it).
As I sit and type this with tears running down my cheeks I really need to tell you that my house is looking really good. I have managed to deal with all the clutter from my clear out and am continuing to do fifteen minutes decluttering every day. I have put in the evening routine and am really working on turning it into a habit. When I set out my clothes the night before I put my bath robe next to my bed, in the morning I slip into that and am snugly and warm while I get mybreakfast and the others breakfast ready (I've been spoiling them with breakfast in bed recently - I love to do it. Such a nice way to wake them up and welcome them to their day) and then I get showered and pamper myself with my face creams (I do this morning and evening DH has commented on how great my skin is looking) and then I get dressed to shoes (so easy with my clothes already picked out) and start the morning jobs.
My DD has gone back to school this week and was all organized calm and happy and I've made the packed lunches the night before and the mornings have become a fun time. We laugh where we used to shout and feel stressed. The clothes are all clean, the dishes are all clean in the dishwasher (bedtime routine to thank for that!) and there is a happiness and a peace in our house that I have never known.
In the next couple of months I am going to set about organizing the finances with the help of FACE which I have discovered on your website and want to explore further and I am looking forward to adding in more routines one BabyStep at a time. I feel really good about myself and about my home and about my family.
I realize that feeling good really is something that is infectious and we're all laughing so much more and I am beginning to really get better. I'm going back to dance class next week and I've got myself a new job and am feeling really great and excited about that. And I have to tell you before I go that today I didn't manage to do all of the morning routine before I had to go and take my DD to school. When I got home my DH had done it all for me because it was clear what had to be done (post-it notes all over the place you see!)
Thank you FlyLady for being there. All of the routines and the testimonials and the essays are inspirational and I am beginning to understand about finally loving myself and because I am taking care of me I am suddenly able to love and support my DH and DD so much more and I know that I will grow and grow from this point onwards. Thank you for all that you do.
FlyBaby in the UK
FlyLady here: Oh...purple puddles! I am so glad that routines and BabySteps have helped this FlyBaby claim the peace she deserves. If you are feeling depressed... please seek medical help. This is what I did when I was depressed. Follow the prescribed medical treatment. FLYing means finally loving yourself..and if you are depressed you won't be able to love yourself. Our habit for September is the before bed routine. It is amazing how much better your morning is with a few BabySteps in the evening. Tonight...after your busy day...do a little..and go to sleep knowing that an easier morning awaits you!!!!
9/5/08
Baby Steps - Literally!
This is an article that floated into my E-mail today and I thought I'd share it with you. I think this ties in very nicely with our concept of "baby steps". If you get a minute, check out Carrie's website. I've been reading her stuff for a year or so and she's got some great ideas!
Yes You Can!
(c) 2008 Carrie Wilkerson
Our team has been busy, busy as usual - but one of us has been especially busy. LauraLee, our 11-month old, has been really focusing on her walking! She will be 1 in a few weeks (where has the last year gone?) and she decided about 6 weeks ago that walking looked like something she wanted to figure out! This is my 4th walker and so I've not been rushing her, but I have been intently watching the process.
She's wobbly. She falls a lot. She sometimes needs a hand to hold, sometimes just a pinkie or finger for confidence. She prefers to walk towards someone who is reaching out their arms for her. She's bumped and scraped from obstacles. When she hits her head (or any other body part) it doesn't seem to hurt as much as normal because she's so focused on her destination. But, most importantly, she keeps getting up and trying again.
Things I've noticed about those of us around her. We clap when she takes steps (even if it's just one or two). We reach out to help her up when she topples. We praise her and cheer for her (yes, even if she falls flat). We hold our arms out for her so she knows where she can fall safely. We tell everyone about her successes. We dwell on the steps, not the tumbles. And most importantly, we encourage her to get up and try again.
Not ONCE have I heard anyone say, "well, you've fallen - this walking stuff might not be for you. You should stick to crawling."
"I know someone that tried that and still can't walk, just save yourself the trouble."
"Wow, that sure is taking you a long time to figure out. Your sister walked a lot faster than you did."
"You know you're not supposed to walk yet. This is too early. Sit back down and let us carry you for awhile."
"Why would you want to bother with that when you're already so good at crawling?"
"Don't, Don't, Don't - you know you always fall when you do that!"
Interesting, isn't it?? There are SO MANY parallels in this lesson that I hardly know where to begin! Are you surrounding your family, friends, and business associates with encouragement, praise, and positive words? Are you telling them why they CAN succeed instead of why they cannot?
And just as important - are you surrounding YOURSELF with others that encourage YOU in that same way? LauraLee knows she is in a safe place, surrounded by people who love her and want her to be the best baby she can be! We want her to learn new things, to progress in her 'walk,' her journey. I want to be one of those people for YOU! And in the meantime, will you choose someone today that might need your arms reached out? They might need a finger to hold (or just the end of your pinkie)? Is there someone that needs you clapping for them? Find them today. Help them in their walk.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR "The Barefoot Executive" Carrie educates, coaches and advises work-at-home women (and those who want to be) as they achieve their goals of personal & career fulfillment! Carrie and her husband, "Mr. Barefoot" - work together at home and share the joy of raising their 4 children (infant to 12 years) together. For a free motivational audio and transcript...go to www.The-Barefoot-Executive.com
Yes You Can!
(c) 2008 Carrie Wilkerson
Our team has been busy, busy as usual - but one of us has been especially busy. LauraLee, our 11-month old, has been really focusing on her walking! She will be 1 in a few weeks (where has the last year gone?) and she decided about 6 weeks ago that walking looked like something she wanted to figure out! This is my 4th walker and so I've not been rushing her, but I have been intently watching the process.
She's wobbly. She falls a lot. She sometimes needs a hand to hold, sometimes just a pinkie or finger for confidence. She prefers to walk towards someone who is reaching out their arms for her. She's bumped and scraped from obstacles. When she hits her head (or any other body part) it doesn't seem to hurt as much as normal because she's so focused on her destination. But, most importantly, she keeps getting up and trying again.
Things I've noticed about those of us around her. We clap when she takes steps (even if it's just one or two). We reach out to help her up when she topples. We praise her and cheer for her (yes, even if she falls flat). We hold our arms out for her so she knows where she can fall safely. We tell everyone about her successes. We dwell on the steps, not the tumbles. And most importantly, we encourage her to get up and try again.
Not ONCE have I heard anyone say, "well, you've fallen - this walking stuff might not be for you. You should stick to crawling."
"I know someone that tried that and still can't walk, just save yourself the trouble."
"Wow, that sure is taking you a long time to figure out. Your sister walked a lot faster than you did."
"You know you're not supposed to walk yet. This is too early. Sit back down and let us carry you for awhile."
"Why would you want to bother with that when you're already so good at crawling?"
"Don't, Don't, Don't - you know you always fall when you do that!"
Interesting, isn't it?? There are SO MANY parallels in this lesson that I hardly know where to begin! Are you surrounding your family, friends, and business associates with encouragement, praise, and positive words? Are you telling them why they CAN succeed instead of why they cannot?
And just as important - are you surrounding YOURSELF with others that encourage YOU in that same way? LauraLee knows she is in a safe place, surrounded by people who love her and want her to be the best baby she can be! We want her to learn new things, to progress in her 'walk,' her journey. I want to be one of those people for YOU! And in the meantime, will you choose someone today that might need your arms reached out? They might need a finger to hold (or just the end of your pinkie)? Is there someone that needs you clapping for them? Find them today. Help them in their walk.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR "The Barefoot Executive" Carrie educates, coaches and advises work-at-home women (and those who want to be) as they achieve their goals of personal & career fulfillment! Carrie and her husband, "Mr. Barefoot" - work together at home and share the joy of raising their 4 children (infant to 12 years) together. For a free motivational audio and transcript...go to www.The-Barefoot-Executive.com
Surviving the Nasty Viruses that Attack Time and Productivity
This is a post I found in my inbox today. It is slanted more towards the business world, but I think it's advice that would be helpful in building our home routines.
Surviving the Nasty Viruses that Attack Time and Productivity
By Dru Scott
The corridor of the convention center was crowded after my speech, when a man stepped directly in front of me, stopped, and asked the question I am frequently asked, "Why did you become an expert on simplicity?" We laughed together when I answered with one word, "desperation."
Some time ago I notice that for me to be as orderly as I wanted to be, I needed to concentrate. It wasn't something that came naturally. I also realized that for me to be as successful in the marketplace as I wanted to be, I had to simplify. So I became a lifetime student of simplicity. And one of the keys to success is to simplify your life.
But how do we simplify? The key is to clarify your thinking. When you are thinking at your best, you automatically discover how to gain the simplicity you want. The sharper you keep your thinking, the easier it is to simplify. And there are two powerful ways to sharpen your thinking. Keep your mind sharp defensively by using the techniques that clean out the five viruses that limit thinking power. And keep your mind sharp offensively by reading inspirational material or what I call "wisdom quotes.' They're great for the mind.
The psychological theory behind the five major types of compulsive behavior was developed for therapeutic applications by Tabby Koehler, a brilliant psychologist in Little Rock, Arkansas. Dr. Koehler found, and I have also observed, many people operate in limited modes of thinking, 50 percent to 90 percent of the time. When people are functioning in these modes, they do not think well. It's like a brain virus.
When you're pressured, you're more likely to fall back into these limited or compulsive ways of problem solving and operating. Dr. Koehler chose the following highly descriptive titles for each of these five types: Hurry up. Be perfect. Please. Try hard. And, be strong. Although most of us operate in each of the five at some time, most of us engage in two more frequently. As I describe all five viruses and the reinforcements that reduce each one, be thinking which ones relate to you the most closely. You'll probably identify with one or two of the viruses. If you don't recognize the ones you slip into, just ask the people around you. They will be able to give you some good ideas. And also be thinking which two or three reinforcements will benefit you the most.
The first virus is "hurry up." People who operate with a "hurry up" virus constantly rush. Sometimes it's necessary; sometimes it's not. They rush to meet deadlines; they talk fast; they finish your sentences. They may ask two or three or four questions before you have time to answer one. They feel their schedule's so full they are rushing all the time to meet their commitments.
Here are some reinforcements to reduce the "hurry up" virus: I do first things first. I know where my time goes. I track how long I spend on tasks. I set mini-deadlines rather than only one big final deadline. I plan how to get to appointments early.
The second virus is "be perfect." People who engage in the "be perfect" virus waste valuable time on trivial or marginal matters because they feel they must perform every task perfectly. "Be perfects" also have difficulty admitting a mistake, and they waste time defending it or trying to cover it up. They document explanations for the mistake rather than admitting it, correcting the error, and moving ahead.
In their personal lives, people operating from a "be perfect" seek perfect relationships. They spend considerable time searching for the ideal man or the ideal woman; however, at the first sign of clay feet on their latest idol, they leave. They feel compelled to find someone else. Since ideal men and women are rare, if not impossible, to find, their search is never-ending.
People playing "be perfect" roles often postpone completion of a project because of their compulsion to do everything perfectly. Scientists and engineers often exhibit this behavior. They may work on a project for six months and compile enough data to produce 90 percent of their findings, but they'll feel compelled to spend another 18 months perfecting that last 10 percent.
Here are some reinforcements to reduce the "be perfect" virus: Every day I have fun, deliberately doing something imperfectly. I skip the perfectionism on things that don't contribute to my objectives or yours. I am willing to learn from people, even those who are not perfect. I listen. Rather than waste time searching for something, I find an alternate, a plan B.
The third virus is "please." Do you often say yes when you want to say no? If so, you've probably caught the "please" virus. "Please" types often have the best intentions in the world. They don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. They hate to give bad news. They want to avoid damaging anyone's morale. Therefore, "please" types frequently don't say no often enough, and they overcommit themselves. They say yes to so many people that they are not able to deliver all they promise. They wind up disappointing others and hurting themselves.
The "please" types also expect others to please them without asking for what they want. They have unfounded faith in hinting. And they say, "He should know what I want. I shouldn't have to tell him."
Here are some reinforcements to reduce the "please" virus. I ask directly for what I want. I smile and tell people I need to check my calendar before I can give them a good answer. I practice saying yes to the person and no to the request. Every day I make sure I have five or six things written on my calendar that I am going to accomplish. Every day I do something toward what I most want to accomplish.
The fourth virus is the "try hard." People who function from the "try hard" virus get the Saint Bernard award. Give them something that needs trekking through the snow and persisting, and they will do it. Too often, however, they trek through the snow when they don't need to. They often do a lot of sighing. They often talk about how hard they have worked. They often have two vertical lines etched deeply between their eyebrows. Look into their early childhood programming and you'll usually find a parent who constantly reminded, "Well, at least you tried. That's what counts."
Here are some reinforcements to reduce the “try hard” virus: I keep myself focused on results by mentally picturing the successful outcome I’m working toward. I spend time planning and making sure I am working on the right things. I find a measure of success to work toward. I find ways to simplify every day. I get closure.
The “be strong” types are often regarded as insensitive and unfeeling. They don’t believe on relying on others for help. They often don’t delegate well. They avoid any situation in which they might appear weak, even if it is something as simple as asking for directions after they have driven around lost for 45 minutes. “Be strongs” accomplish a lot, but they often pay the price. They waste a lot of their time and that of others because they don’t ask for help even when it’s appropriate to do so.
Here are some reinforcements to reduce the “be strong” virus: I am happy to ask for help. I pay attention to my feelings. I pay attention to the feelings of others. I give myself appropriate rewards. I give myself total time in for production and total time out for rest and recreation.
Now that you’ve heard about the five viruses that limit thinking power and the ability to simplify, ask yourself, which of these viruses relate to you? In fact, you may want to turn off this program for a minute and recall the names of all five viruses. If you have trouble remembering a couple of them, those are usually the ones you are in at this moment. Go ahead and use this experiment as a good indicator, but your knowledge of your behavior and the input from the people around you are actually the best ways to determine viruses to which you are most susceptible.
Surviving the Nasty Viruses that Attack Time and Productivity
By Dru Scott
The corridor of the convention center was crowded after my speech, when a man stepped directly in front of me, stopped, and asked the question I am frequently asked, "Why did you become an expert on simplicity?" We laughed together when I answered with one word, "desperation."
Some time ago I notice that for me to be as orderly as I wanted to be, I needed to concentrate. It wasn't something that came naturally. I also realized that for me to be as successful in the marketplace as I wanted to be, I had to simplify. So I became a lifetime student of simplicity. And one of the keys to success is to simplify your life.
But how do we simplify? The key is to clarify your thinking. When you are thinking at your best, you automatically discover how to gain the simplicity you want. The sharper you keep your thinking, the easier it is to simplify. And there are two powerful ways to sharpen your thinking. Keep your mind sharp defensively by using the techniques that clean out the five viruses that limit thinking power. And keep your mind sharp offensively by reading inspirational material or what I call "wisdom quotes.' They're great for the mind.
The psychological theory behind the five major types of compulsive behavior was developed for therapeutic applications by Tabby Koehler, a brilliant psychologist in Little Rock, Arkansas. Dr. Koehler found, and I have also observed, many people operate in limited modes of thinking, 50 percent to 90 percent of the time. When people are functioning in these modes, they do not think well. It's like a brain virus.
When you're pressured, you're more likely to fall back into these limited or compulsive ways of problem solving and operating. Dr. Koehler chose the following highly descriptive titles for each of these five types: Hurry up. Be perfect. Please. Try hard. And, be strong. Although most of us operate in each of the five at some time, most of us engage in two more frequently. As I describe all five viruses and the reinforcements that reduce each one, be thinking which ones relate to you the most closely. You'll probably identify with one or two of the viruses. If you don't recognize the ones you slip into, just ask the people around you. They will be able to give you some good ideas. And also be thinking which two or three reinforcements will benefit you the most.
The first virus is "hurry up." People who operate with a "hurry up" virus constantly rush. Sometimes it's necessary; sometimes it's not. They rush to meet deadlines; they talk fast; they finish your sentences. They may ask two or three or four questions before you have time to answer one. They feel their schedule's so full they are rushing all the time to meet their commitments.
Here are some reinforcements to reduce the "hurry up" virus: I do first things first. I know where my time goes. I track how long I spend on tasks. I set mini-deadlines rather than only one big final deadline. I plan how to get to appointments early.
The second virus is "be perfect." People who engage in the "be perfect" virus waste valuable time on trivial or marginal matters because they feel they must perform every task perfectly. "Be perfects" also have difficulty admitting a mistake, and they waste time defending it or trying to cover it up. They document explanations for the mistake rather than admitting it, correcting the error, and moving ahead.
In their personal lives, people operating from a "be perfect" seek perfect relationships. They spend considerable time searching for the ideal man or the ideal woman; however, at the first sign of clay feet on their latest idol, they leave. They feel compelled to find someone else. Since ideal men and women are rare, if not impossible, to find, their search is never-ending.
People playing "be perfect" roles often postpone completion of a project because of their compulsion to do everything perfectly. Scientists and engineers often exhibit this behavior. They may work on a project for six months and compile enough data to produce 90 percent of their findings, but they'll feel compelled to spend another 18 months perfecting that last 10 percent.
Here are some reinforcements to reduce the "be perfect" virus: Every day I have fun, deliberately doing something imperfectly. I skip the perfectionism on things that don't contribute to my objectives or yours. I am willing to learn from people, even those who are not perfect. I listen. Rather than waste time searching for something, I find an alternate, a plan B.
The third virus is "please." Do you often say yes when you want to say no? If so, you've probably caught the "please" virus. "Please" types often have the best intentions in the world. They don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. They hate to give bad news. They want to avoid damaging anyone's morale. Therefore, "please" types frequently don't say no often enough, and they overcommit themselves. They say yes to so many people that they are not able to deliver all they promise. They wind up disappointing others and hurting themselves.
The "please" types also expect others to please them without asking for what they want. They have unfounded faith in hinting. And they say, "He should know what I want. I shouldn't have to tell him."
Here are some reinforcements to reduce the "please" virus. I ask directly for what I want. I smile and tell people I need to check my calendar before I can give them a good answer. I practice saying yes to the person and no to the request. Every day I make sure I have five or six things written on my calendar that I am going to accomplish. Every day I do something toward what I most want to accomplish.
The fourth virus is the "try hard." People who function from the "try hard" virus get the Saint Bernard award. Give them something that needs trekking through the snow and persisting, and they will do it. Too often, however, they trek through the snow when they don't need to. They often do a lot of sighing. They often talk about how hard they have worked. They often have two vertical lines etched deeply between their eyebrows. Look into their early childhood programming and you'll usually find a parent who constantly reminded, "Well, at least you tried. That's what counts."
Here are some reinforcements to reduce the “try hard” virus: I keep myself focused on results by mentally picturing the successful outcome I’m working toward. I spend time planning and making sure I am working on the right things. I find a measure of success to work toward. I find ways to simplify every day. I get closure.
The fifth virus is the “be strong.” Traditional time techniques often work for the “be strong” mode. These methods emphasize discipline and unemotional evaluation. That’s meat and drink for the “be strongs.” The number one tool in their tool kit is more self-discipline. In fact, sometimes it’s the only tool. The person who’s a “be strong” and also has the first virus, thrives on traditional time books and programs.
The “be strong” types are often regarded as insensitive and unfeeling. They don’t believe on relying on others for help. They often don’t delegate well. They avoid any situation in which they might appear weak, even if it is something as simple as asking for directions after they have driven around lost for 45 minutes. “Be strongs” accomplish a lot, but they often pay the price. They waste a lot of their time and that of others because they don’t ask for help even when it’s appropriate to do so.
Here are some reinforcements to reduce the “be strong” virus: I am happy to ask for help. I pay attention to my feelings. I pay attention to the feelings of others. I give myself appropriate rewards. I give myself total time in for production and total time out for rest and recreation.
Now that you’ve heard about the five viruses that limit thinking power and the ability to simplify, ask yourself, which of these viruses relate to you? In fact, you may want to turn off this program for a minute and recall the names of all five viruses. If you have trouble remembering a couple of them, those are usually the ones you are in at this moment. Go ahead and use this experiment as a good indicator, but your knowledge of your behavior and the input from the people around you are actually the best ways to determine viruses to which you are most susceptible.
9/1/08
Getting your Family to Help
I thought I'd share this with you. I recently experienced a similar situation when I was at the Stampin' Up! Convention for four days and came home to a house that looked like a bomb went off. I took it pretty well. I didn't kick and fuss about it and I just pitched in and cleaned it up. But it would have been nice if they'd taken a little more effort to have kept the house clean because I was exhausted after four days of 12 hour days. But next time I guess I need to be more explicit about what my expectations are and we'll see if it goes better. It does really illustrate how our routines keep us from drifting into chaos and how quickly things can fall apart.
Dear FlyLady,
I came home from a 4 day event last night to a home that looked as if a bomb had gone off in it, this is the absolute worst my house has ever looked, even pre flylady. I wanted to scream and rant and rave at the people whom I had left at home, but I took a deep breath and walked in. I had left my husband and 2 young adults here in my home, of course expecting that they would make some effort to keep picked up after themselves, but sadly that is not what happened. I put away my gear and started laundry, carried out a bag of trash and put the baby to bed, then went to bed myself, yes it was difficult to not just plunge in and begin to marathon clean, but I knew that if I did that I would be to tired to function today and so I forced myself to ignore the filth and go to bed.
This morning I got up, was again shocked by how destroyed my home was and then set about my game plan. I wanted to yell and snarl about how 3 supposed adults could make such a mess and demand that they help clean up the mess, but then I thought for a few seconds and realized that this was the man I love and my child and his spouse and that all I would do by screaming at them was make them feel useless and resentful, so I kept my mouth shut. After everyone left for work I took a shower and put on my work clothes, all the time reminding myself that I was blessed to have a home that they could mess up and to have food for them to have left dirty dishes laying everywhere. I started a load of laundry, ran a sink of very hot water and put some dishes in to soak and popped the baby (2 years old) into the tub.
While the baby splashed and played I cleaned up the bathroom, putting laundry in the hamper and trash in the can and just generally reclaiming the room. She was laughing and playing, having absolutely no idea that anything was not right in our home. I talked to her and we sang a baby song and I finished the main part of the bathroom in less time than her bath took, cleaning the tub, sink and toilet will wait until her nap. Back to the kitchen where I stacked dishes and gathered up garbage for a few more minutes, it is going to take all day to reclaim my house, but I am not pushing to do it in a marathon, I am doing 10 - 15 minutes in each room with a bit of a break every hour, I have a pot of tea on the stove and dinner will be in the crockpot in short order.
By the time my husband gets home from work he will have a cleaner and nicer place to come into. I will not be screaming like a shrew and the baby will not be upset because we had a bad day. This is not how I planned to spend the holiday, but it is not a big crisis because you have taught me how to take a deep breath and see the blessing in every mess that my family makes. I have faith that one day I will come home from a weekend activity and find my home in some semblance of order because sooner or later it will seep into their minds that it is better to pick up the bits instead of letting it grow to a disaster.
Thank you for helping me see that when I am gentler with my family that we are all better able to cope, pre flylady I would have screamed and yelled at everyone, we would have been angry and resentful with each other for days afterward and I would still have had to clean the mess up. I would not have gotten any rest and I would have made everyone pay for all the work that I had to do with cutting remarks and dirty looks. My family does not know that you have helped them have a nicer mother and wife, but they enjoy her much more.
I am off to pick up toys and get the baby settled for her nap now and then back to the cleaning with my list of blessings running through my mind. Perhaps tonight I will tell my husband how blessed I feel to have him in my life, I do not do it nearly often enough.
Blessed Be,
Flybaby in Wyoming
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by themoments that take our breath away!
FlyLady here: I am very proud of her for not becoming the martyr and blowing up. She showed her children and husband that she can remain calm and get things done. Keep in mind that your family cannot read your mind and they are as much a Sidetracked person as you are. They just don't have the tools yet. She could have asked them but that was not in her testimonial. I have an idea on how for this not to happen to any of you and I am going to use this incident as an example. It is time that she sat her family down at a meeting and told them how sad she was when she came home to find the house destroyed. It is always more fun to have a discussing in the past tense.
This is not being a martyr this is standing up for yourself. You do this in a calm fashion with your simple Control Journal in your hand.
Having your Control Journal on the counter also helps your family see exactly what you do each day. This really does help to give them some idea of what to do while you are away. BUT YOU HAVE TO TELL THEM! YOUCAN'T KEEP FLYLADY A SECRET. If your family does not see you using it; then they won't know how to use it to keep the house from falling apart. After all they are sidetracked too. They don't know where to start either. You could also tell them about our timer and some of our little sayings and routines: You can do anything for 15 minutes, 27 Fling Boogies, Crisis Cleaning 101 and Keeping your kitchen sink clean and shiny. Next time you have to leave for four days ask your family for their assistance in keeping the house in order. They may not do it but they could do crisis cleaning just before you get home. Either way you have made a request and have given them to tools to accomplish this. After all if you don't ask then it is certain that they will not keep the house clean.
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